My Immortal With Friends
by An Arm and a Leg
Summary: Because everything's better with friends. This is me and my friend's attempt to survive the terror of the 'worst fan fiction ever'. Rated M for idiotic sex scenes, misspelled cursing, and stupidity.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hai!1! my nmae is Beau'ty Angelique Heartfillia Evans!1! Dis is mai buddie, Emera'ld Amelia Sparkle Magicoim!1!**

 **Emera'ld: Hai! :D**

 **Beau'ty: nd this is mi Nee-chan, Eli'zabeth Magical Sparkle Alchemist Elric!1!**

 **Eli'zabeth: *giggles***

 ***three gunshots sound. The girls fall down dead in a very sparkly way. Three other girls step out***

 **Angie: Yikes. Those are some nasty Sues. Anyways. *bows* WE are the real authors, thank you very much. This is Angeline Morgan (Account name An Arm and a Leg) speaking! This here is my good friend Amy (she has a FFN account under the name swedish-psycho-bear), and the other one is my Nee-chan. Who I'm guessing is going to call herself Nee-sama.**

 **Amy: Basically we're commenting on this shit haul of a story. Honestly, I'm still holding out a small slim hope that this story was written completely ironically, no one is this dumb. I will give Tara credit she has some pretty damn good music taste. Green Day ftw! :D I'm also posting this on my account so go check it out!**

 **Nee-Sama: I'm dying inside. I like your face. I'm a potato. Good evening. I will burn you. I'm here to slay Tara with my harsh words of truth. I think. What was I doing? Oh yeah. WAITER, I WANT TO ORDER.**

 **Angie: Indeed, Tara does have good musical taste. Unfortunately, that's the only thing that's good about her. ANYWAYS! Here is our commentary. Yes, the story is riddled with our comments. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy, though!**

 **(BTW, the last Guest who reviewed my first commentary: That's a good idea...I should write at least one chapter. Want me to post it separately?)**

 _ **(This):**_ **Angeline's comments**

 **[This]: Amy's comments**

 **{This}: Nee-Sama's comments**

* * *

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) ** _(It begins…)_ [Even I spell better than that!]{Little girls are cute}** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) ** _(What's wrong with it being that way?)_ [BI AND PROUD BITCH!]{Pansexual. Problem?}**raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling **. [Obviously not enough.] **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **{Depression:feelings of severe despondency and dejection. Despondency: a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage. Dejection:a sad and depressed state; low spirits. The word 'Love' is not in any of those definitions. What does that mean? You're not depressed. Just a little girl that is starving for attention.} _(...I thought you said you'd go easy on her.)_ {I'm pretty Bipolar. You should know that. 3}** MCR ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia **{Dementia:a chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning. Are you trying to hint something my dear?}** Raven Way _ **(What's with the apostrophe?)**_ and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) _ **(Uh, first of all, ebony and black are the same color. Second, your parents must be psychic. How'd they know that you were gonna have black hair?)**_ with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **[Eyes can't be limpid and blue at the same time!]** and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). ** _(Wish I could, but I'm kinda challenging myself to finish this horrible train wreck.)_ {Fanfiction is to be read with enjoyment and entertainment. Authors shouldn't bash their readers for not knowing who someone is. Some people, me for example, have been living under a rock for the past few years and have decided to just finally grace the world with our presents of joy and happiness and catch up.} _(Uh...Nee-chan? I started this to point out mistakes in a funny way, not slay Tara with my scathing words of truth.)_ {Sorry, still a bit grumpy from being woken. I'll get better} _(Just don't scare the readers away, hm? Or make them murderous.)_ {Ah. Sorry my dears. ^.^' Nee-Sama just isn't very good with wake ups. But I'll try to be more humorous}** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. ** _(Really? Incest, much?)_ [Eww…]** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. ** _(That defies all logic. Hell, this whole thing defies logic. How in the world do you feed with blunt teeth?)_ [I thought I defied logic!]** I have pale white skin. **[That's a bit repetitive]** I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England ** _(Hogwarts is in Scotland. Even I know that.)_ [SCOTLAND BITCH THEY'RE NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING! Sorry, Scottish pride and all] **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) ** _(No fucking way. I thought you were 14.)_ [Considering how she writes I wouldn't be surprised if she was like 8].** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) _ **(...You seem pretty happy.)**_ and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic **[Dammit, she's ruining a good store] {A muggle brand? Should you even know what that is?}** and I buy all my clothes from there(Uh, doesn't Hogwarts have a dress code?). For example today I was wearing a black corset **[ Why would you put yourself through that torture!]** with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink **[ Pink? Really?] {TINY MINISKIRTS!} _(...And here, ladies and gentlemen, we see a Fem!Roy Mustang.)_** fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow _ **(Blah, blah, blah, don't really care. It's not like I'm gonna dress like this any time soon.).**_ I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(It's called sleet.)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. ** _(Wow, aren't you a ray of sunshine?)_ [I would actually do this.] _(I know you would.)_ {Sooo...You're not cold and not a freezing block of ice right now?}**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. _ **(Wait...does that mean that she looked up at the sky? Cause I'm pretty sure that she was looking at 'preps' before.)** _ It was…. **[Oooh, suspense!]** Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. ** _(...Shyly? Draco Malfoy does not do 'shyly'.)_ [He does it snobbily!] {You need to remember that that blondie is a little shit my dear. He does NOTHING 'shyly'.}**

But then, I heard my friends _ **(Bwahahahaha! Your friends? You have friends?!)**_ call me and I had to go away. **{Like 'die' go away? :D Can I have your skeleton?}**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **_(No. It's not good.)_ [It's crappier than crap.] {Darn it. I wanted the Skeleton. I would have been beautiful with the others} _(*pats back*)_**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta _ **(What exactly is she helping you with?)**_! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! ** _(Surrre we will…_ )**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666 **{You're trying too hard, my dear}** XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **{Can you even weather?}** I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had ** _(*blinks* You had a bottle of blood in the dorms?)_ [You don't?].{Get with the times friend.}** My coffin was black ebony **{Is 'Black' and 'Ebony' the only words you know how to describe black by?}** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends _ **(Uh, I'm pretty sure that pink isn't a goth color. I actually thought it was a preppy color.).**_ I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **{Ears kinda have to be pierced if you want earrings. It's implied you have ear piercings when you have earings, my dear}** , and put my hair in a kind of messy bun _ **(Long, unnecessary clothes description is long and unnecessary. Hello, have you heard of the Hogwarts uniform?)**._

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) ** _(You inserted your friend? That won't end well…)_ [Hey! I inserted you!] _(Yes, but I was a good insert who was only a small cameo!)_ {General rule for fanfictions: Self Inserts are a no-no! Though, does it apply to friends?} _(First of all. Self-inserts are fine, so long as you make sure they don't become Sues. Tara dear broke that rule. It doesn't really apply to friends, but it's a bit dangerous because they can get into a fight and make things...unpleasant for S-I OCs.)_** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes _ **(Whoa, skills, man. She smiled at Ebony, flipped her hair, and then opened her eyes!).**_ She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) _ **(*sighs*)**_

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly **. _(Did she say Oh emm eff gee or Oh my fucking God?)_**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. _**(Dude, she asked you a question. You don't have to blow up at her for asking.)**_

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **{How convenient}**

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _ **(Didn't you just say you didn't like him? Then why are you flirting with him?)**_

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Good Charlotte is a Muggle band. Why would they be in Hogsmeade?)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. **{Omg I love Gucci too!} _(...Good Charlotte, Nee-chan.)_** They are my favorite band, besides MCR. _ **(Again, Muggle bands. You shouldn't even know what they are unless you're muggleborn, and seeing as you're a vampire, I'm pretty sure you're not muggleborn. Draco wouldn't even be talking to you if you were.)**_

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked _. **(Muggle band. Shouldn't like them.)**_

I gasped. _ **(Wow, how dramatic. You're acting as if he proposed to you.)**_

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws _ **(What good reviews?)**_! FANGS **[ Is that supposed to be thanks?] _(Yes. Yes, it was.)_** AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff ** _(How specific.)_ [WE DON'T LIVE IN THE 18 HUNDREDS]** on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky _(_ ** _Contradictory.)_ {Are you an Anime character? No? Then calm yourself}.** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists _ **(Wow. How casual.)**_. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **{It stops bleeding with you run out of blood. Also, are you just bleeding all over the floor?! Nasty! Clean yo ish up.}** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick **. _(Blah, blah, blah.)_** I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. _ **(Huh? But you put on foundation earlier…)** _ I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert _._ ** _(Where'd she get the blood from? And I'm pretty sure that's not legal.)_ [From the first years. They annoy everybody.]**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) _ **(Gah! Muggle stuff, muggle stuff, muggle stuff! Jeez!),**_ baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). ** _(Not saying anything. Nothing wrong with guyliner. But on Draco?)_ {All these are muggle products, I'm pretty sure pretty boy would rather die than come within 100 feet of that crap}**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice _._ ** _(...My mind has exploded. You said hi with an exclamation mark in a depressed voice?)_ [I just spent two minutes trying to do that.]**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) _ **(First, Muggle car. Second, trying a bit hard with the plate, aren't we?)**_ and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs _ **(You guys must rule at multitasking. You listened to two bands at the same time, then smoked cigs and drugs at the same time.).** _ When we got there, we both hopped out of the car _ **(And fell to the ground and died, the end, right?).**_ We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. _ **(Damn.)**_

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song) _ **(No way. Really? I just thought that random fucking bands who don't know you sing your songs.).(9/21/14: And now I hate her cause I found out that I like Good Charlotte. Screw you, Tara. You ruined a band for me.)**_ **{I'm just surprised that it had good grammar and crap}** _**(Probably pulled off a site.)**_

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice _ **(*laughs* Smooth, Ebony. Say that in front of your date.).**_ **[This would be me if a guy took me too vidcon. Dan Howell guys] {Same. Struggles of a fangirl}**

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **{Do you even have enough braincells to get that?}**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. _ **(Sensitive and protective. Wow.)**_

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." _ **(You don't know Hilary Duff, either.)**_ I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face _ **.(PFFFT. *laughs hard* Her blonde face...HAHAHA!)**_

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **{Is that even legal? Maybe that's why you have so little braincells}** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz _ **(Cause it's easier than walking)**_ , but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! _ **(What's with all the ellipses?)**_

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK _ **(*rolls on the floor laughing her guts out* BWAH HA HA! E-Ebon-y's name i-is EN-ENOBY, n-not Mary Su!)**_! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent _ **(*still laughing* Y-Yeah, cause I act crazy when I like a guy! HA HA HA HA!)**_! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" _ **(Driving into the Forbidden Forest. Duh.)**_

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it _ **(And fell five feet down to the ground, breaking his neck**_.). **{*snickers*}** I walked out of it too, curiously. _ **(Yeah, oddly enough, I walked out too! And fell to my death.)**_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily _ **.(Damn, she's still alive!)**_

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes _**(he was wearing color contacts)** _ which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness _ **(Contacts show emotion?)** **{Since when was he even wearing contacts? }**_ and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore _ **(Yeah, cause seeing sorrow and evilness makes me feel better.).**_ **[Me too.]**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately _ **(...I think we're missing something there.).**_ Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree _ **(We made out smartly against a tree…).**_ He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra _ **(Gasp! You naughty vamp!).**_ Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. _ **(What a mature sex scene.)**_ **[EWWW GROSS SEX EWWWWWWWWWWWWW THAT WAS HORRIBLE!] {This is why you should use protection Kiddies. Protection for YOUR EYES}**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere _(Like, on the ground and a squirrel passing by? Or everywhere on each other's bodies?)_ and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **[ Finally a decent reaction.]**

It was… _ **(*sigh* Y'know, you only needed three.)**_ ….Dumbledore! _ **(*dies of laughter* I can so see him yelling that as he stomps towards them. That would be hilarious to see in a movie…)**_

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a **{Be}** prep **{AAAAARRREEEDDD! For heartburn}** or a posr _ **(I'm neither.)**_ **[I'm a punk!] _(Well, we both are music-wise, though I'm more of an emo-punk.)_**! **{I am neither of those. I am … *pause for dramatic effect* Nobody really}** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok _**(Uh huh. Cause I curse at people when I have a headache.)** _**[ You swear when you don't have a headache.] _(Good point.)_** an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx _ **(How'd he even know they were there?)**_! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! _ **(Yeah, not happening, sweetie.)**_ **[You made me think of Riversong.]** _**(...Thanks?)**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. _ **('ludacris fools'. Pfft. Ludacris is a rapper. I think you meant 'ludicrous'.)**_

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. _ **(Oooh, you should get that checked. I'm sure that's not healthy.)** _ Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall _ **(Huh? Why's McGonagall here?)**_ who were both looking very angry. _ **(...About what? They have no idea what happened.)**_

"They were having **[homo]** sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre **[Is that really an insult?]** dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. _ **('mediocre dunces'. Pfft. They're lukewarm idiots? Man, they're not even good at being idiots.)**_

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **[One date. Sex in the forest. Totally love.]** _**(Duh. Don't you know anything?)**_ **{It's love at first sight~ *dreamy sigh* Seriously though, have you not heard of cooties?}**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." _ **(See, kids, that's how you get out of trouble. You just exclaim your love for someone. Works every time.)**_ **[Why is it Snape who forgives them? He'd just be like: Love is an illusion, you are too young to know love.]** _**(Hush, child. Don't challenge the logic of the story. Even though there is none.)**_

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels _ **(*sings* Don't care…Wait a second. You wore heels to go to sleep?)**_ **{I would. In case I need to stab someone.}.** When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte _ **(How the fuck did he get in? Don't the stairs turn into a slide?).**_ I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

* * *

 **A/N: Welp, that's all for now. We'll see you next time! ...Whenever 'next time' is.**

 **Ciao, bella!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: AND WE ARE BACK! Welcome to part 2 of My Immortal With Friends! Ready to go? Well then! Let's get started! Let the agony begin!**

 **Side note: We are selling Anti-Sue BB guns after this chapter! They're only one review each! Get them while you can! :D**

* * *

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! _ **(NO, thank you.)**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day I woke up in my coffin _ **(As opposed to...the roof? The halls? Hell?)**_. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears _ **(But...you're a vamp. Why crosses?)**_. I spray-painted my hair with purple. _ **(Purple...what? Just purple?)**_ **[Purple pudding!] {That would be pretty damn difficult with dark hair colors by the way}**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood _ **(Gross. Why do they have muggle cereals anyways?)**_. **{Why would they provide blood for someone to eat cereal with?}** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top _ **(That's gonna be hard to get out.)**_.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face _ **(You...were going down his face?)**_ and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore _ **(How do you know that he wore glasses? You just...)**_ and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore _ **(Wait a second…)**_. He had a manly stubble on his chin _ **(No.)**_. He had a sexy English accent _ **(No, no…)**_. He looked exactly like Joel Madden _ **(Nonononono…)**_. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko _ **(You said it, not me. But...)**_.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice _ **(Shy…?)**_.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter _ **(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT HARRY!)**_ **[*has mental breakdown* WHAT HAVE YOU REDUCED MY CHILDHOOD IDOL TO!** **]** , although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. _ **(*headdesk* *headdesk*)**_

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled _ **(Giggled. *headdesk*)**_.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **{Wait, doesn't everyone know you're a vampire since you just ate CEREAL with BLOOD, not milk, with BLOOD in the GREAT HALL where EVERYONE goes to eat? Wouldn't that draw SOME attention to you my dear?}**

"Really?" he whimpered. _ **(*sigh* Whimpered…?)**_

"Yeah." I roared _ **(Roared?)**_.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws _ **(Who gave you those five good reviews? Maybe people who are laughing at how terrible this is, but...)**_. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons _B_ _ **(Good luck with that.)**_! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS _ **(That's not a flaw, hon. Also, there's a category of Sue called a Goth Sue. Enoby(or however she spells her name) is one.)**_! **[Satanits]** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! _ **(Goth Sue.)**_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) _ **(Yes.)**_. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… _ **(unneeded ellipses are unneeded.)**_

We started frenching **[I don't french, I Swede. It's like frenching but with more moose and coffee].** passively _ **(How do you french passively?)**_ and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra _ **(That has to be uncomfortable.)**_ **[No kidding, I can barely stand my sports bra!]** **{They make leather bras?}** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine _ **(You have a boy thingie?)**_ and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) _ **(Yes. My brother can write a better sex scene. He's 11.)**_ **[I could, and I can barely write kiss scenes!] {Yaoi smut scenes 3}**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! _ **(How'd you miss it? It's on his arm! And it has a guy's name on it! Also, when did he get it? Is there like a wizard tattoo shop that treats minors?)**_

I was so angry. _ **(Why? It just says 'Vampire'. Technically, it could just be referring to A vampire, not...the Harry parody.)**_

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **{Knew too much of what? His horrible bed skills? }**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" _ **(Which means that you now have AIDS.)**_ **[Homophobe much?]** _ **(It's ironic that you say that, since she's supposed to be bi.)**_

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked _ **(Well, that's smart.)**_. He had a really big you-know-what _ **(Actually, I don't know. What? A big teddy bear? A big hairdo? Or are you saying he had an erection? Jeez. Could'a just have said so.)**_ **[He could use it to carry his bags!]** but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people _ **(I cannot be bothered to say their names or even just 'Hufflepuffs' or 'Slytherins'.)**_. **[What about Ravenclaws? *pouts*]** _ **(Nobody cares about the Ravenclaws.)**_ **[meanie, I'll remember this when i take over the world with my superior intelligence!]** **{How the hell did she know what class he had right that moment?}**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. _ **(Wouldn't you just love to yell this out in class? I would.)**_ **[Imagine Ms. Geislers face (our super stupid geo teacher)]**

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing _ **(*snorts* Flassing…)**_ ok! if u do de prep! _ **(I'm not a prep. I even checked for you.)**_ **[what even is a prerp]**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked _ **(Wow, that's not something you see every day.)**_ and started begging me to take him back. **{And no one is saying anything about this? Just casually staring like 'Oh gee golly, would ya look at that.'}**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith _ **(What's with the apostrophe?)**_ smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length _ **(Uh, does that mean it was as long as waste?)**_ gothic black _ **(There are a lot of black haired people in this story…)**_ hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on _ **(She...was wearing contact lenses over blood? And another red-eyed person?)**_ **[They keep reminding me of Prussia.]** _ **(NO. Don't you DARE!)**_ She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on _ **(Yeah, cause you always put white makeup on white skin.)**_. **{Is everyone pale with black hair and red eyes in this story?}** Hermione _ **(Wait, what's Hermione have to...oh, no.)**_ was kidnapped when she was born. **{Que overly dramatic and sad back story}** Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it _ **(Dude...I'm gonna commit suicide because I'm depressed about this. Really? You just HAD to change Hermione, too?)**_. She still has nightmares about it _ **(But...it happened when she was born. She shouldn't even remember it.)**_ and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger _ **(How would she not know that if she remembered everything from when she was a baby?)**_. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor.) **[WHAT DOES RELIGION HAVE TO DO WITH HOUSES?!]**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice _ **(Since when did he get so...elegant in his speech?)**_ **[Is elegant really the right word?]** _ **(Good point. It's more...idiotic.) {**_ **I think 'polite' is a better word choice}** but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. _ **(It should be the other way around. 'Draco, I can't believe you cheated on me with Vampire!')**_

Everyone gasped. _ **(Because people care when others cheat on each other.)**_ **[I do, drama is entertaining.]**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me _ **(Huh? Did we change perspectives?)**_. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony _ **(Really? She's shown no interest in girls at all in this story so far.)**_ **[Wait… NOOOOO… EBONY AND I HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON! NO GO BACK TO BEING STRAIGHT YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE PART OF THE LGBT COMMUNITY!]** ) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy _ **(GASP!)**_ fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed _ **(Aaand we're back.)**_. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility _ **(Virility?)**_ to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **{Why would you run into the FORBIDDEN FOREST to cry? Don't you have your coffin or whatever?}**

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox _ **(We can tell.)**_! dis is frum da movie _ **(Huh? It is?)**_ ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! _ **(Because when you have a headache, you swear.)**_ and da reson snap dosent lik harry now _ **(Snape(I'm assuming that 'Snap' is Snape) liked Harry at all?)**_ is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist _ **(Sooo...let me get this straight...SNAPE doesn't like HARRY because while HARRY is a Christian, VAMPIRE(Who is HARRY) is a SATANIST. Okay then…)**_! MCR ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose _ **(Yeah, you said that before.)**_ (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! _ **(He looked like Voldemort, but it was...Voldemort! Plot twist!)**_

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away _ **(Actually...that could work…)**_

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him _ **(And that could not. Crookshanks is a cat, not a spell. Yelling a cat's name does not cause someone to feel agony. The real spell is Crucio, by the way.)**_ **[I don't know, cats can be pretty evil.]**. **{Exhibit A: Sphinx Cats. Exhibit B: Grumpy cat.}** Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. _ **(You felt bad that you were killing the Dark Lord, so you stopped. Okay. Good job. You just made this story longer. *sighs*)**_

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" _ **(Oh, look, Old English. I didn't know Voldemort spoke like that.)**_ **{Woah there, you need to calm yourself Shakespeare, move yourself from the 1500s and rejoin us in modern society}**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? _ **(Didn't they mention that before?)**_ **{No no, Draco mentioned it when we suddenly switched perspectives.}**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back. _**(Is it just me, or does she sound like a kid scolding their pet?)**_ **[I was thinking more alon the lines of Dora "Voldemort no killing!"]**

Voldemort gave me a gun. _ **(A gun? Why a gun? They have wands.)**_ "No! Please!" I begged. **{Couldn't you just throw the gun away? That or just shoot him with it there?** **Or yourself.** **}**

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. _ **(How did he know what? That Draco is her beloved? Is Draco really her beloved anyways?)**_ **{They went on one date. Like, wtf}**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **[My face while reading this story.]** _ **(XD Y'know, I'm glad I let you two on this.)**_ "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. _ **(Telekinesis. He doesn't have fucking telekinesis. Also, having telekinesis means that you can move objects with your mind. I think you mean telepathy.)**_ "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. _ **(Y'know, I'm actually impressed. That whole time, she managed to spell Voldemort's name right.)**_

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" _ **(Why are you so perky? You stormed off.)**_ **{Weren't you mad at him?}**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) _ **(It took me a while, and when I figured it out, I wanted to strangle myself, but yes. You mean cross.)**_ between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. _ **(Skills, man. It's not easy to make out and walk at the same time.)**_

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags _ **(Seriously. I'm not gay(I think...I'm not sure), but that's still offensive.)**_ **[Aren't your main characters supposedly bi?]** if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! _ **(*offended* Dude, I took the test. I'm a Slytherin. I'm not fucking evil. You are not put into Slytherin because you are evil. DO NOT DISS MY HOUSE MATES.)**_ **[She doesn't belong in Hogwarts.] {Slytherin House: '** **The house is traditionally home to students who exhibit such traits as cunning, resourcefulness, and ambition.' No 'evil' here. Brat.}**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was really scared about Vlodemort _ **(Voldemort's cousin.)**_ **{Cousin of Moldywart, Husband of Mary and father of Sue.}** all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross _ **(*gasp* YOU SAID IT! YOU SAID CROSS!)**_ between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo _ **(Diabolo? How scary...Oh! You meant Diablo? That makes more sense!)**_ now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. _ **(Hagrid is in a gothic-sorry,**_ _ **goffic**_ _ **-band?)**_ Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) _ **(*raises eyebrows* But a while ago, you put crosses in your ears.)**_ or a steak _ **(Mmm...any kind? Or does it have to be well done?**_ ) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride _ **(I actually like that movie. It's not that depressing.)**_. **{You know what's depressing? Miracle in cell Number 7. That shit's sad as ef.}** I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. _ **(*raises eyebrow* Coulda fooled me.)**_ **{She's just in denial. It's just a phase}**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. **{Don't be a little shit when people are concerned about you you little shit}** And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! **{Isn't his name 'Vampire'?}** But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. _ **(Wow. You completely spilled everything. Remind me to never share secrets with you.)**_

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. **[What. How?!]** _ **(He's magic. Duh. *sarcastic*)**_

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) _ **(Hon, is there a FMA poster on my wall? Yes. So the answer is yes.)**_ **{You have a FMA poster?}** _ **(Yup. It's amazing.)**_

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. _ **(The OOC-ness is scary.)**_

We practiced for one more hour. _ **(So...what you're telling me is that your boyfriend ran away crying, so you practiced for another hour? Dude.)**_ **{Relationship Goals}** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **{Who walks around when they have a headache? I would be curled up in a cocoon of blankets rubbing some weird smelling oil on my temples}**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. _ **(How does one cry wisely?)**_ (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony{ **Comma}** Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists." _ **(B-but-*looks around* You said he was a vampire. And you can only kill vampires with a cross or a 'steak'. So...how did he commit suicide by slitting his wrists?)**_ **{'Steak' infused weapons?}** _ **(That was a horrible joke.) {**_ **Pssshh. I was glorious}**

* * *

 **A/N: *appears in a small little store* ANTI-SUE GUNS HERE! GET YOUR ANTI-SUE GUNS HERE! ONLY ONE REVIEW! YOU'LL NEVER GET A DEAL LIKE THIS IN YOUR LIFETIME! JUST CLICK THAT LITTLE BUTTON BELOW! ANTI-SUE GUNS HERE! GET YOUR ANTI-SUE GUNS HERE!**

 **See ya next time! Ciao, bella!**


End file.
